I again am ignoring my little blog here and writing very infrequently...which makes it hard when I do want to write, overwhelming even; because since I don't check in much there always seems like so much crap to catch everyone up to speed with that it's almost not worth trying - where as if I was writing daily like I committed to I would be able to just fill you guys in on a short period of time, not weeks. It's funny because that is a big suggestion in N/A or A/A - to call someone every single night whether there is something to say or not, just to check in...because if you get in the habit of doing that you are more likely to pick up the phone if something is wrong, which obviously makes sense, again because it's just easier to tell someone where your at emotionally if they know where you've recently been. Ah well, either way here I am to check in :-)
Brian is doing great. His birthday is on the 2nd, and we are getting really excited about that and the big party he's having, so that's something fun that we're looking forward to. I missed last years birthday while I was in rehab...it was such an extra tough day too because of it, I was wrapped in such a thick blanket of guilt that all I could do was cry all that day - so I feel good about the situation this year and that we can make a big deal out of it and give him a great memory for when he's older...I have tons of birthday memories, always of big parties with all my family and my friends, usually over at the Ski Bowl where we are having Brian, a whole new generation of "Little Gore partiers, lol" Bri is also doing really well adjusting to our new schedule. Jim has moved into his new house with the girlfriend and her son and has been taking Brian a lot more lately, and for overnights none the less. So yeah it was a rough few weeks in the beginning, and Brian still gets a little homesick but he's getting much more comfortable over there and adjusting really well as it seems. I was super hard on me those first few nights too, especially two weeks or so ago when Jim took him for two nights in a row, that was rough...which yeah I know makes me pathetic, but what can I say, we've just been used to it just being us every night for quite a lot of months now and it's hard getting used to going to bed while he's in another house. But like I said it's falling into the "norm" and knowing Brian is getting more comfortable with it makes it a lot easier obviously. I will admit though, there have been some nights where it's been really cool having Brian over at his Dad's, I've been able to have a couple sleep overs, or just descide at 9 or 10 that I'm going to stop by a friends house to watch a movie or something is nice...I like having the option of a little spontinaity, that's something I have truly missed since becoming a mom...the non-planned plans, ya know? But it's great that Brian has been able to spend so much more time with his father, I've always wanted that...so thus far it looks like Jim and I are going to be able to handle having joint custody with the schedules being up to us and not court mandated....like real mature adults, who would have thought? Ok I won't get too ahead of myself, it's only been a month or so and I'm not counting out us ending up having to sit in court with a calander and make a schedule, but like I said so far so good. Our relationship has improved a tiny bit also, Jim and I. He's been a lot more civil lately, and we've even had a few casual chats on the phone where we even could pass as friends if someone was listening...but of course we haven't made huge strides, just small ones, but I'll take it...again that's something that would just be so much better for Brian, for his parents to big grown ups and be capable of co-parenting and getting along - such a novel idea :-)
What else has been going on? Quick update on the parents I suppose. Dad's actually again doing a little better, has even gained a significant amount of weight back, which was a huge issue - he was down to 110, and he's a tall man...so the few pounds he's put back on are important. I swear my father is like the energizer bunny, just keeps going and going. I even said that to him a few nights ago, he laughed and we were joking like "won't you just hurry up and die" kind of thing, which of course sounds terrible but if your reading this and know my dad, and the humor he has and that we have together you know that it's just how we are and it was actually a funny and innocent conversation. He really is astonishing though, Doctors have counted him out of the game so many times...as have I - always thinking that "it's really happening this time, he's really dying" and he always bounces back. He really is like the energizer bunny and I am damn thankful for it and hope that it continues for quite some time to come. Mom is doing alright, stable I guess is a good way to describe it. Her blood counts have been stable, liver enzymes, clotting levels, she hasn't been retaining fluid or needing to have her stomach drained...so yeah she's stable. But she is really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain, also never has much energy - so she's not loving life right now and is just feeling pretty crappy. She had her liver biopsy last week, we should know the results tomorrow. Although her doctor has diagnozed her with the Chirossis, the only definite way to do that is with a biopsy, plus it also is able to tell us what stage she is in...plus if she is to contemplate putting herself on the transplant list she would need that kind of information just to get in to see the doctors at a Transplant Hospital...so I'll be sure to let everyone what we find out as far as that goes. Of course we're all hoping that we learn it's in the early stages and that a transplant wouldn't even be needed, chirrosis really is a slow moving disease, so she could get lucky and still live a long life if it is in early stages - so we'll see.
That guy I was dating and then got dumped by ending up running from drug court and is "out on the lame" as we speak. It's actually really sad and I feel bad that this is happening. He has been on Drug Court for 3 years, it's only technically supposed to be a one year thing, if you do everything right - be he obviously hadn't. He was in his final stage and would have graduated once and for all this September, he was SOOO close. But real life just got to be too much for him - just the simple living aspects of normal day to day stuff...he had been institutionalized for years and I think he just couldn't deal with not being told what to do, where to go, lots of simple rules, and all while being totally taken care of, not needing to work or live on your own at all. And before he ever got into legal trouble and into drugs he was a young guy living with his mom, so this really was his first time getting so far out on his own, with so much freedom and responsibilities...and he was just really stressed and acting depressed for a few weeks before this all happened. Then one night he went out and drank at a bar...and the next morning drug court called for a random alcohol urine test - it can detect alcohol for 3 days after you drank. So instead of even going in and taking the test, knowing he'd fail, he just ran. If he had pissed dirty he would have had to take the felony, would have done a month or so in County, then transfered to Prison for a month or so, then shipped off to Shock, the bootcamp thing for 6 months. Even though he ran his charge can't change, and he still is a first time/non-violent felon, so they can't make him do more time for taking off then if he had turned himself right in...so he has the attitude that he mine as well enjoy some free time before he goes, and then he plans on hopefully being able to turn himself in when he's ready, "on his terms".... but that's obviously if he doesn't get picked up before that happens on his Warrent. So who know's. But I'm worried about him, and I hate the situation, it's just really sad. He's really young, obviously scared, guilty that he fucked up after getting so far, and he's just really in a crappy situation and I wish there was something I could do to help, obviously there isn't, and at least I now know that - of course because I'm me, I convinced myself the first few days after he took off that I could fix it all and everything would work out; I learned quick that it doesn't work that way and all I can really do is be here if he wants and needs my help, and pray that it all works out in the best possible way/safest for him and that he gets through it and comes back when it's all said and done and starts over. He just really isn't a bad guy, and I know him well enough to know that he hates that he does things like this, self sabbotages, he just isn't getting it at this point and there is nothing I can do to change that....which sucks but it is what it is. But that's what has been going on as far as that goes...we had been "broken up" for a little over a month before this happened, but we had just a few days earlier randomly ended up hanging out and I stayed at his place...and we have been friends for quite a long time, so it's just hard to see someone you care about go through hard shit like this...I'm just filled with a lot of gratitude that I'm not in a place like that right now. I'll never forget that fear of getting caught of being found out, the guilt, unmanagability, feeling so hopeless and helpless - so even though it's been over a year now for me it's still really fresh normally, and when you see if happen to other people it makes it even more up front in your head - which is good, things like that are huge reasons people stay clean. Anyways though I put myself right in the "thick of it" the first week or so after he took off, and learned that I need not to be involved at all and that it is much safer for me to keep a distance from him right now, so that's what I'm doing. Right now he is so consumed with what is going on with him that he is incapable of being a friend to anyone else, caring about anyone else - and I don't need to be around anyone who can't care for me even on the most basic of levels....like as in my safety, and he could never tell me truthfully that he wouldn't put me or my recovery in jeopardy, so it's my job to take care of myself and make sure I don't stack those statistics of relapse any higher against me then they already are.
I still am not working. I'm going crazy. I'm so stagnant, and I need to get up and start really moving forward and not just treading water, but I'm not and I don't understand why that is. I've looked for jobs, even gotten a few (or so I was told and planned on) but I haven't really hit the pavement and applied at any and everywhere possible. I need to be working but I'm acting like I don't - I don't understand it but whatever the reason for my complacency and being so stagnant I need to get on that and start really learning how to take care of myself and be independant, live on my own. I mention my friend and how overwhelmed he got with real life...at least he was trying. The only difference between me now and me over a year ago is that I'm not using, that I'm clean - I still suck a living though, I still am baffled by situations that are easily understood by grown ups...I guess what I'm saying boils down to the fact that I still have a lot of work to do, a lot to improve upon, a lot to learn...but I will get there, I hope. I've just never stood on my own two feet before, I always lived with my parents or a boyfriend, always had the safety net of my parents house - knowing that living there has always been available. I've never paid my own bills on a regular basis, held a job for years even if I hated it just because I had too - I've always lived with dead end jobs, hopping from apartment to apartment, job to job, always moving with the wind and changing my goals and aspirations monthly. So I need to really get myself a job, regardless of what it is - ANYTHING...I need to learn how to be good with money, to save - then I need to keep the job, eventually get an apartment for just me and Brian, take care of us on my own...that's all the ultimate goal, just to be able to support and care for myself and my son without the help of anyone, to know that no matter what I can take care of us both...
It's getting late and I feel like I'm just hopping all over the place, rambling and ranting from one topic to another not making any real sense anywhere...so I'm going to sign off now before I just make this an even more tedious blog for anyone to read. I'm going to try and pick up on my blogging skills and then hopefully I'll fall back into a pattern where I am capable of writing something worth reading ... but who know's :-) Much love to everyone - if your local to where I am in upstate NY then I hope your all enjoying this beautiful weather and taking advantage of it while it lasts... last summer we barely had an extended Spring so I'm loving these sunny, hot days - I've been trying to teach Bri how to swim...planting flowers and veggies, moving my lawn, getting a tan, playing with Brian in the sprinkler, and going for lots of walks; it's just been nice and this really is my favorite time of year!!! So get out there and enjoy these awesome days...
